I Am Not Dorothy, and This Is Not Oz

So, yet again, I've been MIA for months. And I apologize. But over the past several weeks, I've been struggling with what to do with myself. And it's not an easy thing to figure out.

I majored in psychology in school. I have a shiny Bachelor's Degree in the field of Psychology. Which I love. It fascinates me to no end. People are intriguing. Psychology was absolutely and entirely enjoyable for me to study. However, in retrospect, I'm not sure it's the best field for me to make a career out of.

As you all may or may not know, I am an introvert. Hard core.

I enjoy learning about people and listening to people, but I don't do so well with talking to people. Especially not groups of people, as I discussed in a previous post.

I know being a psychologist doesn't necessarily mean I have to communicate with groups of people, but still, the ability to speak comfortably with strangers is kind of important. And I'm not so good at that. Not verbally anyway. I'm much more comfortable sitting at my computer and typing out words than I am sitting across from someone and chatting over coffee. (Which I actually drink now. On account of being a barista.)

So, after weeks of thinking, "did I waste four years of education on a degree I don't want to use?" I've become a little stressed out. On top of that, I had another birthday on March 31st, so I got to think "Wow...I'm another year older and I still have NO clue what to do with my life!"

Actually, I'm fine with my age. I'm not quite to the point of dreading birthdays. Yet. But what bothers me is how many people I know my age who are either a) in Grad school, b) working full-time, or c) getting married, while I am a) not in school at all, b) working part-time, and c) single and living at home. Which--by the way--is not as awful to me as it is to some people. My family and I get along really well. For the most part. And since they're kind enough to let me live here, "until [I'm] 112 if [I] need to," according to my dad, I am happy to take the offer. Just so you're all aware, I do not plan on living with my parents until I'm 112. 111, maybe, but 112 is just pushing it.

I jest.

I do plan on moving on with my life. I've just been stuck in the swirling chaos of my own mind for a while. I feel like Dorothy after getting sucked up by that tornado.

Unfortunately for me, my brain-tornado has not dropped me from a world of black and white into technicolor Munchkinland, onto a Wicked Witch with ruby slippers, and into the hearts of the Munchkins who had been living under her reign of terror. A kindly Good Witch traveling by bubble has not floated into my life and said "Follow the Yellow Brick Road to the Wizard of Oz, and he will solve all your problems." Also, I do not have a talking Cowardly Lion, Tin Man, and Scarecrow to be my friends on my epic journey to self-discovery. I do have a dog, but she's kind of lazy and wouldn't enjoy a long trek to an Emerald City all that much. She is good for a snuggle though.

All of this to say...pardon my absence. I'm just trying to find myself a little.

My Triumphant Return

So, I'm back! Yay! It's only been a month since my last post...*sarcastic eye-roll*

Seriously though, I feel like such a blog failure. I never wanted to get to this point. I never wanted my posts to be so sporadic. I'm also amazed that my followers haven't dwindled in this period of blog neglect. So to all 74 of you, thanks for sticking around! I'm touched by the loyalty.

I'm not going to promise that never again will I let a month pass between posts, but I will promise to try to never again let a month pass between posts. Trust me, I like the gap far less than all of you.

So tonight, I'm alone in my apartment because my roommates are all elsewhere, and I'm kind of really enjoying it. Not that I don't love my roommates. (Roommates, I know you'll read this. I love you. I do.) But as I've mentioned before, I am wholeheartedly an introvert. I like my space, and I like being alone sometimes. I know that's often a hard concept for you extroverted people to grasp, but it's really true.

I love my friends very much, but sometimes I just want to be alone. So, I'll say it again: I marvel at the fact that I--of all people--ended up with three extremely outgoing roommates. And if I haven't mentioned it before, they're also all blonde. I'm the Black Sheep of the apartment. Brunette sheep I suppose.

Not that them being blonde has much of anything to do with anything. I just think it's funny. No, the most significant difference is really just the introvert/extrovert thing. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people. And by large I mean...more than maybe eight. It's like my brain just starts cowering in a corner or something, snarling at me. I try to coax it out, but it's usually not effective until the very end of a gathering.

For whatever reason, my brain finds the task of trying to interact with a "large" number of people to be far too much exertion. I usually just end up sitting there, mostly silent, until the absolute last moment. Then my brain comes running back to me.

It's something like this...

Me: Come on, Brain...Just half an hour of chatting.

Brain: No! Back off!

M: Brain, seriously. Twenty minutes. It's only chatting over dinner.

B: Seriously? No. I'm already multitasking by making you breathe, beat your heart, and chew your food with your mouth closed at the same time. Talking is too much.

M: But these are my friends.

B: Yeah, but there's so many of them. I don't know who to talk to or what to say.

M: Anything! Please!

B: No.

(15 Minutes Later)

M: Brain, come on. Look, I'm even done eating now.

B: Well, okay, fine.

M: *To all my friends* HEY! That reminds me of that one time when I was on vacation...*launch into mini-story about a funny vacation experience*

Friends: *Lots of laughter*

Everyone: Okay, bye! *Leaves*

Seriously. I tend to do that. I sit there, passively listening to conversations happening around me, then something someone says reminds me of something funny that happened to me, and I tell the story just before we all have to part ways. I have a brief moment of "Wow! I said something relevant that everyone thought was hilarious!" just before we all have to go back to homework, classes, labs, naps, whatever.

Maybe that's why I took so long with writing a new post. My brain finally caught on to the fact that apparently there are a lot of you reading my blog. A lot more than eight. So maybe my brain has just been snarling in a corner for a while.

Or maybe it's just the fact that I graduate in a month and my stress levels are getting high enough that I sometimes just want to scream, then go cower in a corner myself. Maybe it's a mix of both. Higher stress levels make my introversion even more pronounced? I don't know. Hypotheses and guesses. Either way, I don't really care to be honest.

All that matters is...I'm back, and I'm feeling good about it.